This week has been a week of reflection for me. I don’t know if it is because I have celebrated the birthday that marks the last year of my twenties, or if it is because the holidays are approaching. Whatever the case may be, it seems that ever corner I have turned has caused my past moments to come tumbling back.
If I sit for a moment, close my eyes, and take a deep breath in, I can still smell the hallways of my high school. A damp mustiness mixed with the aroma of whatever happened to be cooking in the cafeteria. I can see the library with shelves and shelves of old books that were begging for someone to care enough to turn their pages. I can hear the sounds of the choir resonate off of the walls of the room behind the gym and next to the shop. This place was my prison. A place I could only hope to conquer.
This was the time in my life where it seemed that I was struggling to survive my every day. It was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other and my only focus was that of my future. I was a teenager mind you, and of course everything is much more dramatic when you are a teenage girl, but there were days that even breathing seemed too large of a task. I felt suffocated by my surroundings. I felt stifled by the life I was being forced to live. I lived in fear that I would never become who I envisioned myself to be. I knew that if I could just be in control of my moments, I could do it better.
A few days ago I had the wonderful opportunity to talk to an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in many years. In the course of our conversation, he shared with me some of the struggles of his newly found faith. I couldn’t help but be humbled by the words he spoke. His desire to do God’s will is great, and he is earnestly seeking to hear God’s voice. What a richness! What a hope!
Today, well today I find myself in a place where I could so easily fall back into the struggle of my youth. It wouldn’t at all be hard to feel suffocated and stifled by the life I am living. In many ways I feel that I am at the cusp of something new. I can feel change in the wind. But to live only for the new, the different, the not now, could again imprison me and trap me.
I want to live my life desperately listening for the voice of my Heavenly Father. I want God’s love to be enough in my life. I want everything else to wash away. He has promised to work out the details by His grace. I want His love to be enough. No matter my coming or going, no matter the course of my life; I want His love to be enough.
Psalm 51:12 “Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.”